Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Whatever Happened to Mother?

Reading conversations on public message boards among adoptive parents about child rearing reveals a widespread, almost passionate resistance to new learning. Our culture has taught us to look for easy and convenient one-sentence solutions. One pill, one sound byte, one easy-to-remember rule.

We shy away from the hard work of examining our lives honestly and questioning our parents' methods. As a result, we continue to apply those same methods with our own children. Rationale: I'm just fine, so the methods used with me will be good enough for my children. Yet in 1979 - three decades ago - Alice Miller gave the world an astonishing gift called The Drama of the Gifted Child. By all accounts, a widely read book.

Yet we still say, "Kids these days!" Yes, we are still blaming it on the kids, as if they are responsible for their own nurturing. Or we blame it on an adopted child's genes (while taking credit for all the good stuff). To see it happen with children adopted as infants is that much more troubling because they have already suffered a primal trauma that adoptive parents (usually) had nothing to do with.

And now, on to the subject of this post: Whatever Happened to Mother? This is an e-book written by Dr. James Kimmel published on the Natural Child website. It will shake you until your brains rattle in your head and you cry a river and throw things. It is upsetting probably to nearly every mother who reads it. But reality is sometimes harsh. This book has been a staple in my repertoire for so long that I only today realized I don't have the link on this blog (and have now corrected that). Please do click on the link (above or in the right-hand column) and save it to your favorites - it is not a short book.

Between Whatever Happened... and Drama..., I hope this will provide those who asked with an answer of sorts. I cannot neatly answer questions about this subject in a few short paragraphs. My knowledge has been acquired by reading hundreds of books and reams of articles and studies. It is just not that simple.

I will leave you with Dr. Kimmel's Preface:
A society that is not responsible to its children, that does not provide them with what they need, will breed a population of asocial and antisocial individuals. Even more destructive to children, in terms of their individual mental health, is a society that pretends to be responsible to its children, when it is not. Its children will not even know what they need. They will be alienated from their human requirement of nurturing.

160 comments:

Anonymous said...

thank you for the link. definately am going to research this more.

suz said...

But reality is sometimes harsh.

Adoption is harsh too. I am starting to become so desensitized. Repeatedly pouring salts in wounds does tend to dull the pain. I swear sometimes I read harsh stuff just to prove I am still alive. (Cue Goo Goo Dolls..."and you bleed just to know you are alive")

I will look it up. Not now, but will add to my list to read. Thanks for sharing.

(Oh, and I have read Drama of The Gifted child. Add me to the list of those that have! Love it!)

Gershom said...

his ebook saved my childrens lives!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Julie,
Thanks so much for your research and posting about this subject ~ it is so helpful to every mother, adoptee, person! Could you email me privately, as I'd like to get your email to send you something.
sfranklin568@yahoo.com

joyceregina said...

A society that is not responsible to its children, that does not provide them with what they need, will breed a population of asocial and antisocial individuals. Even more destructive to children, in terms of their individual mental health, is a society that pretends to be responsible to its children
Julie: Society recognizes a responsibility to its mother/child relation. Problem is Society needs to be "departmentalized" within each of these structures. It is the only way to teach and retrain and within our population growth of all origins it may get worse.

Im still reading, Julie

Manuela said...

Clapping!

KAYLEE said...

GREAT BLOG:)

LeRoy Dissing said...

And then we wonder why young adults attempt to nurture themselves and their own children inappropriately when they never were as children....even to the point of becoming "cutters" just to feel something.

Julie said...

Thanks for your great comments, guys. I've been busy lately and haven't been able to keep up on comments.

LeRoy, you got it! That is exactly the problem. It goes WAY beyond adoption, but adoption makes it a lot worse.

Gershom said...

jules, i linked to your AI home page quote tonight on my blog...hope you don't mind. Feels like home...

thorn said...

If adult mothers can't "get it," doesn't it make one think that things could only be worse with a teenage mother?

Just a thought.

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